…like taking your grandmother with you to a rave!

What was it about this car that made 18 000 people pre-order one before anyone had even driven it? Well, it was the same thing that made you want one the moment you saw it on a b-class motoring blog or in one of your friends Facebook feeds: it was hype.

The millions that Range Rover poured into marketing, the lavish, over-the-top teaser campaigns behind drawn curtains at Melrose Arch, and the exclusivity they surrounded the product with. All this helped.

They also had the assistance of it being one of the best looking and imaginative SUVs that has ever been marketed to the public, so Range Rover weren’t exactly fighting an up-hill battle. This car is “I want one” personified.

But what is it?
A good question, and in short the answer is: a Land Rover Freelander. But very loosely based.

While it shares the SD4 and Si4 derivatives of the Freelander as well as a similar independent front suspension, the drive of the two cars could not be more different.

While the Freelander feels quite upright and drives from the rear, the Evoque feels tighter, stauncher and much, much more aggressive.

Y’know that awesome body with the sloping back roofline and the bum that looks like it’s got implants? It may be the most striking part of the car, but it’s also the reason that the car is so difficult to see out of while you’re driving: forwards and backwards.

While this isn’t a complaint, because anybody who isn’t driving an Evoque must “move bitch, get out the way”, I did cut a right hand traffic light turn a little too short and nearly decapitate a Merc driver. He had it coming though…damn Merc drivers…with their success and their jobs in upper management.

Is it an off-roader?
This is almost always the first question I get asked about the Range Rover Evoque, so let’s answer it immediately: Yes, this is an off-road vehicle.

The second question I get asked, and usually through a very cynical smile is, would I take it off-road? And the answer to this one is a soggy “yes and no”.

While the Evoque is based on the pretty capable off-road beginnings of the Freelander 2, I just wouldn’t feel confident taking this car into some of the off-road places I’ve been in say, a Toyota Land Cruiser.

While driving through Mozambique in said Land Cruiser (it was a Fortuner), the driver and the man responsible for the previous 3 days of unheard of earth scuttling in the most un-accessible parts of Mozambique said very bluntly to me:”if it doesn’t have an independent locking diff and a low range transfer box for low range revs, it just isn’t a proper off-roader”.

But let’s go over what the Range Rover Evoque CAN do off-road since it isn’t as helpless as some people would make out. Videos (from the official launch in Wales) of the Evoque ploughing through countryside and knee-deep rivers as journos were wowed by its off-road capability have flooded the internet.

I was sceptical though because I know that no manufacturer lets a journo take their car on a road during a launch, if they know the car will get stuck. It just doesn’t look good for them.

If you need more convincing, talk to anybody who has had the honour of tackling the Namib Desert in a 4X4, like Hannes from Laat Wiel has. The man may have an unusual and sometimes uncomfortable obsession with the place, but he knows his stuff and he assures me that most off-roaders that go in don’t make it out unless they’ve got the right wheels strapped on. Some, he explains, are even doomed from the start simply thanks to their engine set up.

Still, motoring journos get the Evoque to test out of eye-sight of the Range Rover team too, so invariably they will put it through its paces off-road, and after all, it still has a Range Rover badge on it, so needs to be semi-decent off-road. And it is.

The off-road ability of the Evoque comes thanks to the tried and tested glory of Land Rover’s Terrain Response system, which includes modes for general driving, grass,gravel,snow, mud and ruts, and sand. Each mode has an effect on engine response (throttle), gearbox, and steering calibration, and there are settings for the stability control.

The Evoque also boasts Range Rover’s well known MagneRide suspension and uses magnetic fluid to adjust the shock absorbers’ damping rate.

I took it out on a familiar and base-standard route in Magaliseberg, and it faired quite well. Technologies like Hill Descent Control, Gradient Release Control, and Hill Hold are most welcomed inclusions and you’ll be glad you have them when you need them.

Big but here though!
This is a car that you could take off-road, it just isn’t a car you would. It would be like taking your grandmother with you to a Paul Van Dyke rave. She’s got the money to pay the entrance, she’s got the legs to walk around and stand in the crowd and she’s got the ears to hear the music. But from the moment you arrive you’re going to be constantly checking on her, making sure that the music isn’t hurting her ears, the flashing strobe lights aren’t giving her a headache and that she isn’t being molested by ecstasy fuelled, pimple-faced 20-somethings trying to touch her saggy tits. The long-term scars of the event might not be worth taking her out there in the first place. Your Nana and the Range Rover Evoque are just too valuable.

And on the road?
On SA streets the Evoque is a smooth ride, a comfortable lounge to sit in and a special occasion for your young cousins to tell their friends about at school tomorrow.

One problem though, when in Sport mode the gearbox doesn’t automatically drop down to 1st gear when you come to a complete stop. You have to do this for yourself with the steering wheel paddles.

Thanks to the huge torque digits being crammed into automatic (and especially diesel) cars these days, this has become a common feature because often 2nd gear has enough power to see you jet off from a standstill at the traffic lights before they go red.

In the 2.2-litre Diesel Evoque however there just isn’t enough torque in second to accomplish this and add to this the almost full second of turbo-lag when you put your foot down, let’s just say it makes for some pretty hairy experiences in Jozi traffic.

Thanks Gran
And so, there it is. The Range Rover Evoque. A car you can think of as your grandmother. It’ll treat you very well, your friends will want to know how it’s doing, and you’ll love and cherish it for life.

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