If there’s one thing Mini knows, it’s how to send a car around a track quickly. And in the Mini JCW GP, BMW flexes their track muscles like a ‘roid head shagging a gym bunny.

All the Mini’s in the current range are exciting vehicles to drive. Sure the entry level Mini One at 72kw isn’t the quickest car in the world, but even driving that, you’re reminded of why Mini is where it is today thanks to those years of putting the American muscle cars in their place on the touring car circuit. Slower than a V8 on the straights, but capable of embarrassing those bulky Yanks in the corners.

And now, they’ve sharpened the tip of their spear in the form of the Mini JCW GP. This is the world’s best hatch on a track.

The love has all gone in to Mini’s not-so-Mini Countryman, a car that suffered at the hands of haters when it was launched but has since proven its worth by winning the 2012 Dakar rally in the hands of Stefan Peterhansel.

The 1.6-litre turbocharged engine has been fiddled with to produce a mesmerising 221kw. But power is nothing without control. It’s in the setup and the chassis where the beauty lies. A peek into the back seat and you won’t find any functional seats, but rather a bit of reinforcement in the way of a roll-bar for stability in the corners. Couple that to the fact that once again you’re sitting impossibly close to the front tyres, and you actually become the corner you’re drifting around. And I do mean drifting, such is the confidence the brakes and the steering give you.

When comparing hot-hatches, you have to look at the top of the pile, and at the moment it’s still the likes of the Renault Megane RS which used to hold the record for hatches around the Nurburgring. That was until the Mini JCW GP came along with its rack-oriented suspension, high-performance brakes and Michelin racing slicks to ram the French upstart back into its box. The Mini JCW GP does a time of 8:23 and the list of cars this is quicker than is astonishing. The Merc SL55 AMG, Nissan 350Z and the Subaru WRX Sti. All toast.

The Megane RS might be much more practical, have the Renault racing pedigree and have functional rear seats, but the Mini JCW GP trumps it by 26kw and beats it to 100 by just under 2 seconds. In the petrolhead dictionary, that makes the Mini much, much better.

And now for the bad news. You can’t have one, even if you really, really want one. There have only been 2000 Mini JCW GP’s released onto the planets roads, and South Africa only got 30 of them…all already sold. In fact, with numbers like that, you may never even get to see one. But if you do, I pray you: walk up to the person driving it, give them your credit card and your second kidney and take it out for a spin.

Engine: 1.6-litre Turbodiesel
Output: 221kW
0-100km/h: 4,7 seconds
Top speed: 258km/h
Price as tested: R403,000

Now for some fun:

Stefan Peterhansel with his own Countryman on the Gerotek skidpan

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